N is for No Problem

As you may have guessed, I didn’t make it through the A to Z Challenge. I’m still going to share my longwinded posts so there’s no need to panic. I’ll just be doing it a much more leisurely pace with some other posts added into the mix. I may not be done until the end of summer at the rate I churn these bad boys out and I’m much happier this way.

In my last post, I talked about meetings and how valuable they are to me. There’s one I like to stop at on my way home from work that I haven’t been able to get to because my work schedule has been too hectic and I miss it terribly. Now that things are calming down again, I’m hoping to pop in there next week.

One of the great things about AA are the slogans. They have a ton that are official and many more that aren’t like this gem:

The difference between a problem drinker and an alcoholic is that

A)         When alcohol is taken away from the problem drinker, the problem goes away.

B)         When alcohol is taken away from the alcoholic, the problem begins.

I really wish someone had explained that concept to me.

 No cocaine = no problem.

from Google & one of my fav movies!

from Google & one of my fav movies!

Not even close bud. As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, I stuffed my emotions down into a dark corner of my brain and pretended they didn’t exist. They joined a bunch of dusty memories that I managed to repress from childhood. The end result? Relationships with unhealthy people, including my handsome hubby.

No porn = No problem.

Yeah, not so much. I had no idea what to expect as he entered into recovery. I really thought that when he stopped “acting out” by looking at pornography, our problems would be solved. Both of us were reeling. I was traumatized by what I learned about what his addiction had caused him to do and he was in this bizarre mourning stage. I couldn’t begin to grasp what he could possibly be mourning and why.

We discovered that he was mourning the loss of what he felt should have been. Here I thought he was mourning the loss of his fantasy world because he couldn’t string together the words to explain to me what that emptiness he felt inside was. He couldn’t express his feelings to me for a very long time, not until he had a decent recovery under his belt, so I was angry. I was bitter. I was resentful.

No porn = No problem.

from google

from google

As if. It was when he stopped using his drug of choice that the real work began. He no longer had the crutch of pornography and fantasy to lean on and escape into. Those feelings of shame that crashed down upon him were so intense he considered killing himself. The only reason he didn’t was that I’d already lost one husband and he didn’t want me to find his body or put the kids through the loss of another parent.

No porn = No problem.

I wish. I wish our journey after he chose to commit himself to recovery were a smooth and easy one. It wasn’t. Some of you have been with me for a long time. Some even from the very the beginning. You know how close I was to walking away. When the pornography is taken away, the problem begins. Because it’s then that inner work starts. It was something we both had to do because I didn’t do my own work when I stopped using cocaine either. Nor did I do it immediately after disclosure because the trauma was so overwhelming.

Again, I wish. I wish I had begun my healing journey sooner because than I would’ve saved myself months and months of unnecessary pain and heartache. We live and we learn.

More recovery? = No problem.

I’ll take it. If my counselor tells me I need to do some tweaking or I feel my emotions getting the best of me, (BLASTed: Bored, Lonely, Angry, Stressed, Tired) and I need to do a mini fourth step, I’m all about it. I’ll take recovery and sobriety over the way we were living eight years ago.

Do you have a favorite saying or quote? Do you keep yourself rested too?

Stay tuned next week for a special announcement!

ETA: I woke up with a migraine so I won't be able to visit anyone today. See you guys tomorrow. 

ETA on Friday: Still down with a migraine...fingers crossed I'll see everyone on Saturday.  :)