I lowered my head to the mirror, stuck the short, metal tube up my nose, and inhaled deeply. The cocaine coursed through my veins. The laughter around me amplified. The music blaring through the speakers became crystal clear. Each note singular and beautiful. I felt the hair on my arms sway ever so slightly as the vent above me whispered down cool air.
The drug-filled glass made another lap around the table. Then another. Each bump better than the last. Knees bouncing up and down. Hands running through sweat-dampened hair. Heart racing. Jaw clenched. Another bump. Then another. Pacing. Looking out windows. Teeth grinding. Frantically looking for a rock that fell on the floor.
Finally, I woke up. Terrified. My heart beating out of its chest. Then grateful because it was only a dream. Even after all these years sober, I can still get them.
The important thing for me to do when I have them is to understand that I’m the one in control here. Not my subconscious. Does that mean I shrug it off? No.
I need to see how I feel when I wake up. Do I miss living that addiction lifestyle? Sometimes. It was one filled with adventure, that’s for sure. But it was also filled with me lying, missing lots of family time, and generally being a waste of space. I don’t miss that at all.
If I woke up thinking, “Oh my gosh! I need to get high right now. That stuff was the best!” Then it would be time to jump into some recovery work quick, fast, and in a hurry. Call my sponsor, hit daily meetings, etc.
I also know what triggered the dream. I was talking to someone about some of the things I did back then and I’m sure my addict voice was all like, “Ooohhhh, hey, I’ll bet she’s all sorts of vulnerable right now!” Not today, addict voice. Not today.
I admit I’m surprised after being drug-free for over two decades, my brain can still call up vivid dreams like that every so often. It’s a powerful thing, our brain. And that power gifts us the ability to recover, heal, and thrive too.
Have you experienced vivid dreams?