Feeling Trapped

Recently we had a storm move through our area that caused some major local flooding. Some neighborhoods got hit worse than others. Thankfully, the damage for most folks was minor but still, it was inconvenient. For the first time since I’ve lived here, schools were closed because of rain. Many roads were too flooded to drive through.

Although I had been given the day off from work because of the flooding and had no place else to go, I still felt trapped inside my house. Not because there weren’t dozens of other things to: spending time with the family (check); writing (check); cleaning (check); watching television (check). I still had a sense of feeling trapped.

The choice of leaving my neighborhood had been taken from me.

I recalled feeling that way once before but I couldn’t put my finger on it. Just a small twinge in the recess of my brain trying to resurface. Some dark memory trying to claw it’s way to the surface.

As the day wore on it finally came to me. I used to feel this way when my husband was at the height of his addiction but wasn’t ready to acknowledge it yet…and neither was I. I had felt trapped in my marriage. I felt anxious a lot of the time. Like I should be doing something but I didn't know what. It left me feeling antsy.

I loved him. I hated what he was doing.

During that time I liked to tap into my senses:

I would go outside and walk, smell the air, feel the cold air on my face, see the brightly colored leaves, listen to the birds sing their songs. Listen to music, dance, light my favorite candle and breathe in it's smell. Take a warm bath. Or, as you guys know, write, write, and write some more.

And just like the waters finally subsided from the streets as the storm past, the porn subsided from our marriage as his recovery grew. The sun shined bright in our lives.

Have you ever felt trapped?