|from where else? Bing|
Yep, another post from me.
Two days in a row, can you believe it?
The kids are back in school and blogging can become a regular part of my week.
I just need to figure out a schedule.
Sorry guys but I’m doing another post about sex addiction. I normally don’t do two in one week but, meh, I’ve been gone for awhile. Plus, I was pretty excited to find the link below and wanted to share it with those who may need it.
Now then, where was I? Right, revelations. Not the Bible chapter but self-discovery. Yesterday, I talked about the importance of not being a parent to Devin any more. That type of relationship is toxic in a marriage.
While doing some research on Devin's recent diagnosis of SLA vs SA, I discovered a fantastic
, and found that Devin and I fit this pattern almost perfectly. Or, more accurately, we
to fit this pattern.
Process of person's relationships
Security, safety acceptance, “oneness” (merger)
Greatest fear is abandonment
Underlying fear is healthy intimacy (in enmeshment the core of the person is actually sealed off)
Self-contained individuals who appear strong, stable (often avoidant or obsessive compulsive, like their families of origin)
Line up next relationship before leaving current one--forming love triangles
Instant closeness, looking for “magic” feeling
Obsessing about partner
Talking obsessively to others about him or her
Acting out anger and revenge for being abandoned
Enters relationship in haze of fantasy--found this stable, strong, accepting individual
Gets high from fantasy
Denies how walled in avoidant really is
Avoidant gradually becomes distant and shuts down, abandons relationship in some way
Love addict acts out anger & revenge, turns to affairs and addictive sex
Partner capitulates and renews relationship, or love addict moves on to new relationship
Sense of self and self esteem does not develop--love addict remains in dependent position. Ability to tolerate fear and discomfort must develop for growth to occur
Wants to be connected, but not closely
Greatest fear is intimacy/engulfment
Can have a hard time rejecting others or saying no
Individuals who provide much of the enthusiasm and intimacy for both of them
Ambivalence all the way through may be in relationship because can't say no
May show initial traditional romantic pursuing, but ultimately enters relationship because love addict provides most of the “intimate energy”; may fear would never make into a relationship otherwise
As love addict wants more and more attention avoidant attempts to please by giving it to them--at least initially
Eventually avoidant becomes overwhelmed by enmeshment and/or neediness of love addict, becomes critical, and eventually backs off from relationship or abandons it
Feels relationship has failed, sometimes gets involved with addictive behavior or affairs to distance, distract, or numb out
May return to relationship out of guilt or fear of being totally alone, or moves on to connect with another partner
Cycle of abandoning and returning can go on and on, especially if love addict starts to move on
If you didn’t figure it out, I’m the
in this scenario. I feared intimacy with someone and getting too close. It made me feel vulnerable. That fear was created after my first husband died. I also thought I’d lose my sense of independence that I worked so hard to achieve after his death.
What I didn’t realize was what an emotional mess I was inside after his death. Instead of fixing myself, I focused on fixing others. Some of you in a relationship with an addict may be nodding your heads right about now. We tend to want to rescue people from their problems. I tried to “fix” two alcoholics before I met Devin. I didn’t even see the pattern of my relationships until I wrote them down while doing my step work. How crazy is that?
The last column describes part of my relationship with Devin that are so painful to even think about. It includes everything from me backing away from our relationship and then returning out of guilt to engaging in his addictive behaviors in an attempt to rescue our marriage.
While it’s been a wild and crazy journey, I can truly say I look back on what I’ve been through with Devin with appreciation. I never would have done this much work on myself had disclosure not happened. Our marriage wouldn’t be as strong as it is now if he didn’t have the courage to tell me the truth and to get help. We are better people today then we were in 2009-2010.
He is speaking about Emotional Sobriety but it isn't just for alcoholics or addicts, it's for anyone who is filled with emptiness, unhappiness, fear, self-doubt, self-hate, and it rocks. Yes, it is an hour long but it is totally worth it.
I hope you enjoy it as much I did and remember to love yourself! You're worth it!
Tom B. Jr. Emotional Sobriety
Oh, if you missed my post the other day on my other blog I made a wicked cool announcement.
I'll be here in the morning but this afternoon...not so much, so enjoy your weekend everyone, I know I will and if you have plans, I want to know what they are!! Are you partying? Spending time with the family? Working around the house? What do you have in store?
A few weeks ago, I was watching a great new show, Elementary, with my husband. It’s a modern day Sherlock Holmes and I love it. It’s one of my new favorites of the season, right up there with Chicago Fire.
(For anyone keeping track, my love affair with Honey Boo Boo is officially over. I saw an episode of how they interacted with people outside of their home and they had no regard for others or their property, it was horrible and disrespectful and my kid is no longer allowed to watch that crap. Where was I? Right, rambling, how unlike me.)
Sherlock was investigating the kidnapping of his friend’s daughter and the friend is also his ex-drug dealer. The case turns out to be a bit more difficult than he anticipates and he begins to allow self-doubt to creep into his head along with his friend’s doubtful words.
Sherlock’s friend tells Sherlock he isn’t as talented when he’s not high and not as perceptive and his friend brings Sherlock drugs to help him solve the case. Sherlock is full of so much self-doubt and insecurity about his ability to solve this particular case without the help of drugs heightening his senses, we are left not knowing whether or not he will succumb to the pressure of taking the drugs until the end of the show.
As I sat on the couch and watched Sherlock’s struggle, I could feel my fingers gripping the armrest. Twenty years. It’s been twenty years since I’ve put cocaine up my nose but the way the show framed Sherlock’s inner battle, his insecurities, I felt like I was him.
I understand the inner turmoil of first seeing the drugs right in front of you and saying “NO!” not today. Then walking away, sometimes literally running. Then once sobriety is accomplished, the insecurities set in.
Am I good enough to maintain life in this world?
A Life where I am not high?
Am I really funny?
Am I really pretty?
Will I still be able to write well?
Will I still be creative?
So many insecurities to overcome once sobriety is reached. I think many people forget that. I know I did and it’s a humbling experience, a humbling reminder, as I watch Devin maintain his sobriety for so long but struggle with his insecurities in life as he continues his journey through recovery.
A wonderful reminder in my meetings as I listen to others, and share, I am again reminded of where I was, how far I came and yet I still wonder…
Am I? Will I?
If you don't reach out to a program, reach out to a healthy place like church, a counselor or someone who doesn't bash your husband or being a sex addict. He's a sick person, not a bad person. Don't let people tell you otherwise.