Patience



I think in the age of technology many of us have become impatient.  We’ve forgotten what it’s like to wait for things, no matter how minute.  Think of the last time you went to watch a video online and it took more than ten seconds to load.  I bet you checked to see if you lost your connection.  Maybe you even gave up on the video and moved onto something else entirely.  What about your last drive-thru experience?  Did it take too long to get your food, your money, or your prescription?  Just think, we used to have to get out of our car and walk into the establishment for these services.  The horror!

We’ve become a society of Veruca Salts.  We want it now!


I was one of those people.  Who am I kidding?  I can still be one of those impatient people.  Especially when it comes to something like Devin’s recovery. I sometimes think it will happen overnight.  I fail to remember that each individual moves at different speeds. 

I love to dive in and self-examine and explore.  I’ve recognized I have more work to do so I’m doing another 12-step workbook to challenge myself.  For Devin, it’s not as easy for him to face his flaws.  I can’t expect him to be as gung-ho as I am.  Instead, I can be excited at how far in his program he’s come. 

It wasn’t always this way.  I used to drive myself crazy wondering about the progress of Devin’s recovery.  I thought it only fair because as a couple we’re in this together.  It made sense I be involved in his recovery.  I became confused on what that meant.  I was told to stay away, and then I was told it was okay to ask questions.  What did that mean?

I got clarification from my rockin’ counselor.  She said my way was not the right way.  (I love this lady.  She doesn’t mince words.  My old counselor would have said something like, “not preferable”.)  I was being a dictator by telling him how to work his recovery i.e. attend SAA meetings once a week, see a counselor once a week, do your daily reading, etc. Instead, she said it was acceptable that he understands my expectations for a healthy recovery because it’s part of my boundary agreement.  She also suggested check-in conversations.  We began using FANOS once again.

Once she explained the difference between being a dictator and checking-in with Devin, things seemed to make more sense to me.  I was able to let go of his recovery and let him take charge.  It also gave me a greater sense of patience because I wasn’t so enmeshed in it.  I could step back from it with greater ease and see how much progress he’s made. 

By using FANOS we, even all this time later, connect on a deeper level than we ever had before.  It also provides me with a sense of security that he’s continuing to work on his program.  It provides patience. 
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I’ll be at the dealership to get my car worked on today. I know I said that the other day but I never made it because I had a migraine.  They are supposed to have wi-fi so I can check my blog.  If not, I apologize for being late getting to your blogs.  

A Glimpse of The Past


This was posted on my old blog two years ago.  I found it while doing research for my book.  I’m so glad I’m no longer in the Trust But Verify stage. Just wanted to share it for those who still may be where I was back then.  It can get better.

A Fine Line Between Optimisim and Naiveness
July 2011

I believe that there is a fine line between being optimistic and being naive about Devin's, or any other sex addict’s recovery.  Realistically, their recovery rate is horribly low while their relapse rate remains incredibly high. For many, the addiction takes such a strong hold of them, it twists their minds, it warps their very souls and changes their core being.  I believe that there are sex addicts that reach level three and stay there or fluctuate between levels acting out for years undetected and unnoticed.

I feel very fortunate that Devin was not one of them.  It gives me a sense of hope that he will remain sober or as he said the other day in a more realistic sense - or more "addict" sense - that if he slips, it won't be by having another affair.  It will be through masturbation or maybe porn because that was what he couldn't give up without professional help.  Everything else he stopped alone before I was even aware he had a problem and he had even acted out, or, actually, the extent of the problem, since I knew porn was always an issue.  And, if he slips through porn, we have a plan for it and I'm prepared.  At least as much as I can be.

I'm saddened and scared when I hear stories from other women about what their husbands did and for how long they were betrayed.  I'm also given a bizarre sense of hope - followed by a twinge of guilt for feeling such a selfish response.  My immediate response, fear, comes because I know Devin could have easily fallen into this addiction cycle if he didn't recognize he had a problem and tried to stop himself in 2009.  Fear also comes because I know that given the right set of circumstances, he can fall into a cycle just like that.

I will always remain Cautiously Optimistic when it comes to his recovery.  Most likely, I will always Trust But Verify and while it may be viewed as unhealthy by so many, right now, for me, it works.  I am finally in the "I don't give a fuck what other people think" mentality.  It took me seven months to get here, and, I know myself well enough to know that I will have moments of weakness when I will read a comment and think "Oh my God, she's right, I should divorce his cheating ass!!" but, that person isn't me.  That person hasn't seen the remorse in his eyes or seen the change, as slow as it is, in him that I see.  Yes, it frustrates the hell out of me every day to have to deal with the range of emotions that I go through, the trauma, the fears, the self doubt, but if I don't put those aside and give my marriage a shot and give Devin a chance to work on his recovery while I work on myself then I'll never really know if we can come through this bullshit even stronger at the end.

As I look back over the last seven months, really and truly look back and review my emotions, my feelings, my own recovery, I can see so much progress and see how far I've really come in myself.  I'm pretty impressed with myself.  I'm learning to enjoy myself again.  Learning to read for enjoyment again, imagine that?  I'm enjoying the company of my children again.  I'm socializing at work again and starting to look for a new hobby (that's not so easy with Migraines).  I'm slowly making life about me again.

If I have to walk away, at least I walk away knowing that I tried.  Besides, not everyone is a failed sex addict...the odds aren't ZERO recovery rate, right??

See...Cautiously Optimistic   =)  
    
Or....just a Dumb Ass   

Time will tell.

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Please forgive the writing style.  This was written before I learned about run-on sentences!    
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